“Not waving…”

The sound that comes: ssshhhh.

Maybe instead of a word for the year, I need a sound. Maybe it will be more meaningful for me to swap out “om” with sssshhh in morning meditations.

It’s the sound that comes when the tide pulls out. When a person tries to calm a baby.Β  Or someone else.
Let it go. Exhale.Β Let it be.

What else can you do?

For too long now, all this noise. All this pain. “Everything hurts” – I think it began as a complaint, but has become a mantra. So much so, even I didn’t recognize the seriousness of it all. The damage done.

I haven’t noticed the times when I am the only source of the pain.

I had a lover once who said I worked too hard at it: he laughed at all the unnecessary effort. Not mocking, he laughed gently: Like a ssshhh.

I was very young then. I thought pleasure was performative.
And I didn’t yet know that pain could be.

It is frightening to give up the self-deception of control. The storms, too, will come on their own. And then we need to let them go as they pass.

I get caught up in my own will. And turn petulant when I’m faced with the evidence of its meaninglessness.

Some facts that do not necessary make a poem:

  • I swam in the river once, when I was about 14.
  • Swimming is one thing – swimming isn’t the right word for this.
  • My body was clenched because I was so afraid of water.
  • I was deliberately pushing myself to get over it.
  • I don’t know if it refers to the fear, or to my body.
  • From the shore, my step-father threw my friend into the water.
  • She couldn’t swim.
  • She tried to climb on top of me to keep her head above water.
  • I am still afraid of water.
  • I go to the beach when I need to sort through the scary thoughts about being in this world.
  • I run.
  • Or I am still.
  • Being still is like floating.
  • I never wave.
  • I always assume someone waving is waving to someone behind me.
  • If you try to help someone who is drowning, you will likely drown, too.
  • We are empathetic creatures.

No. That is not a fact.

  • We don’t really understand anything.

 

 

8 Comments Add yours

  1. Jeanne says:

    Love this post.. and a sound as a word! Brilliant thoughts here. πŸ’•πŸŒŠπŸšπŸ•―

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ren Powell says:

      Thank you for bothering to let me know it touched you!

      Like

      1. Jeanne says:

        No bother. A genuine touch on my thoughts and my stillness. You reached below the surface.. so the least I could do. Oh! I did post a link on FB. πŸ˜πŸŒŠπŸšπŸ•―β€οΈβœ¨

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Ren Powell says:

        ❀ much appreciated!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Tim Mayo says:

    Indeed “It is frightening to give up the self-deception of control,” but there’s a comfort in knowing you don’t have to buy into your fears. They are thoughts which pass on through your consciousness, replaced by other thoughts. You do not have to obligate yourself to engage in the fearful ones.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ren Powell says:

      So true. And so happy to have your input in my life, Tim.

      Like

  3. Anonymous says:

    Such a helpful post. Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ren Powell says:

      Nice when what I need to hear happens to be something that touches someone else. Makes me feel more human.

      Like

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