18 Comments

  1. Resolution

    There’s the thing I shouldn’t do
    and yet, and now I have
    the rest of the day to
    make up for, not
    undo, that can’t be done
    but next time,
    think more calmly,
    breathe, say here’s a new
    morning, morning,
    morning,
    (though why would that
    work, it isn’t even
    hidden, hear it in there,
    more, more,
    more?)

    — Lia Purpura

  2. I’m just in the beginning of late night dark, here, where I am.

    These words of yours, they were good to read in my ears. Colors? Why, I can’t say, but thanks.

  3. I understand this type relationship thing with a mother… that was never close. In my case..downright cruel. She just died this past October 2021. She was close to her sisters and brothers…but never to her children, especially me. I’ll never understand her, and as for me…I don’t have closure either. I have conversations in my head with her, but it’s tremendously negative. All the thoughts…

    I’m going to live my life now and make damn sure, as far as it depends on me…that my children won’t feel this hole. Self awareness has led me down a path of forgiving myself and perhaps even loving myself for trying to be a good person in spite of it all. You wouldn’t believe the things I filled an empty hole with, where my parents love should have been, but wasn’t. The destructive things…

    Ren…you helped me (a much older woman than you, btw) tonight as I read your essay. We have a kindredness as we walk under the same moon. I understand the grief and I find I have no problem helping others with similar backgrounds. Something I perhaps wouldn’t have had the capacity for if it hadn’t been for my parents. And that is the good I’ve decided came of my younger life. I’m sure there are many thousands of us. Reading Viktor Frankl’s ‘Man’s Search for Meaning’. helped me further, in addition to my Biblical knowledge.

    Peace to you dear Ren. I like you more and more as I learn about your life and experiences through your writings. Such a beautiful, talented and may I add brave young woman you are. The book ‘IMPERMANENCE’ … is one of my favorites.

    • Because you are a writer, I know that you know how much this means to me. And it means all the more that you took the time to write this. Frankl’s book is so wonderful, and maybe something it is time for me to return to. It seems to be in the wind much lately and that usually is a kind of gift when I take it. The Bible is fraught with memories for me but I follow a middle way in all things. Or try to <3 We help one another always. Thank you!

  4. Ren,

    This is absolutely brilliant and heart-wrenching, and honest, and true.

    One still outstanding task from my 18 months of therapy is to write my dead father a letter telling him I’m finally free of his emotional abuse and tyranny whilst still being able to appreciate the few good things he did. I often wonder if my failure, 15 months down the line from therapy, is due to the same things you write about here – that I wanted him to say sorry, that I am still afraid of cutting the last of the bonds between father and son.

    Thank you for articulating this so well and helping me on this dark morning.

    Rx

  5. It’s like you and I are leading the same lives, just in different geographies. I feel like this every day, and the question always raises itself: “What are you writing for? Why are you writing? Wouldn’t life be much simpler without this additional task? Aren’t you just posturing?” There is no one single or simple answer to these questions. And time trickles away. And the massive scale of these tasks sometimes even stops me from beginning any of them.

    Creativity vs marketing. A dreadful conundrum.

    I suppose we just have to go with the flow, and hope it takes us in the right direction.

    • I just signed up for a “course” in experimental poetry – because it isn’t aiming to each – it isn’t aiming to create forms or conform – or even create a product. Just a peer group of creative people. Kind of excited. 7 weeks only.

    • I know a few people who have experienced brain traumas and returned to writing in exciting ways! I hope that is how it is for you!

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