The lapwing is back. In fact, I think there might be two of them living in that field behind the daycare down the road. I saw one takeoff and then another joined her in the sky. I can’t identify lapwings in flight, but the two birds looked very much alike. I can spot a gull, a duck, or an oystercatcher. And though I have never seen the nightingale that lives out that way, I know she is far too small to have been tussling like that in the air.

E. keeps challenging me when I say she, and asks me if I know for certain that the female is the one who broods. So I looked it up. He will be a bit too pleased to know that both sexes brood.

I also learned that I may have seen two males in flight. That they lay 4 eggs a year. And that a group of lapwings is called a deceit.

Sometimes I wonder if collecting useless facts is a form of hoarding. Controlling. Yesterday I listened to a podcast while I ran (the first time post-covid infection). I listened to Lulu Miller read her own brilliant essay titled The Eleventh Word [podcast ]. She explores the idea that our naming things actually creates an environment of fear: that by naming things, we create the illusion of control, but when that inevitably proves false we feel disoriented and afraid.

She gets this idea by observing her son as he acquires language and fear of the unknown at the same time. While I’m no neuroscientist, I think it’s more likely that the child’s brain develops the ability to predict and reason at the same age.

But the correlation here is fascinating and her argument poetic. There may even be some truth to her idea. I remember reading a long time about research that said there are emotions we don’t experience until we know a word for them. I remember it was all very controversial. But I suppose that would support the idea that we would be fearless without language?

I do know there are all kinds of research about using a second language, and the relative emotional/objective value of doing so. I have had students who keep diaries in English and tell me it is because they feel distanced from the difficult subject matter. It’s easier to think about it.

This is especially interesting because when I taught younger kids, I noticed that their “imaginative” language was English, though their day-to-day language was Norwegian. They would tell me that they were more creative in English: it was “easier”. They credited the language itself, not their relationship to it. I’ve always thought that was interesting. At first, I thought it was because they simply lacked the critical skills to evaluate their creative work. They felt freer because they felt an innocent sense of competence (invariably these kids were better at English than their parents and teachers, for example). But I think it is more than that.

How much does language create our reality? (And I am not talking about woo-woo manifesting of goals, etc.) How much permission do we give ourselves to name and claim and control? Or think we control.

Again, not a new thought at all. But it is exciting to wander around and land in a familiar field. At least in something that looks familiar.

Well. Butt is in the chair. Pulling myself up by my yoga strap. I will get through this.

I have had two very difficult years – at work and personally. And it is very hard to tease apart the causes and effects. It’s hard to stop looking for a single event that makes sense of it all, to identify the first domino or the kingpin that caused the wheels to fall off. But it is never that simple, is it?

I count 6 major crises in the past two years. At least they felt like major crises. Maybe in other circumstances, they would have been minor. If there is a pot on the stove simmering and you kick up the heat a degree, or two, or five – things boil over.

Everything comes together. And then everything falls apart. Even the bad stuff falls apart. It is a bit like unraveling an enormous and tight knot. There is careful observation and strategic teasing and unbraiding. And there is the random rolling and tugging that inexplicably allows a release. Suddenly. And because it is unexpected and uneared, it is almost anti-climatic. It can feel like all the effort is just busywork.

It can make you – me – question what is actually a meaningful effort.

And I am very tired of writing about the difficulties. I am feeling lighter. Not a throw-open the barn doors and pronk kind of lightness, but it is easier to breathe. It actually is a bit like stepping outside on a good day and looking at an unobstructed, blue sky.

There is still so much to deal with but I am hoping I can deal with the events on their own terms, not as an extension or twisting or consequence of something that defines me.

The sky here is not blue. It is gray and wet. But I am going for a run.

And I hope this is the last of this kind of private brooding in my daily practice.

Forgive me. Gotta run now.