Twisted Friday

An evening run. Because
the morning slipped
between a coffee cup
and God-knows-what.
And I need to run.

I’ve showered now and pulled on a wool bra and cashmere lounge pants. There’s nothing like cashmere lounge pants. I own one pair because I stumbled over them – misplaced in rack in an H&M- marked down to affordable.

Is this what it feels like to be wealthy? Wrapped in cashmere?

I had an angora sweater in high school. I bought it myself with the money I’d earned from my first job – selling hot dogs at the local rally-cross track. I knew it was out-of-place in my life: it shrank in the first wash.

But now. … Why don’t I always dress like hugs? I’m a grown woman and should be in full control of these things. I want to be the woman who empties her wardrobe and dresser drawers of all the fast fashion clothes, and fills them with nothing but quality fabrics in neutral colors that tell the world she definitely has all of her soft, yellow ducks in a row.

When I was a teenager we didn’t have ducks. But we had finches in bamboo cages in our mobile home. Some in the living room, some in the my mother’s bedroom in the back of the house. And they would sing to each other. Pitifully.

They make these small bamboo nests to put in the bamboo cages so finches will lay perfect little eggs. We had one hatch once. Have you ever seen a soft, naked, newly-hatched finch? It burns in your mind when it is dead on the newspaper tray at the bottom of the cage.

My point is… I’ve never had my ducks on a row.

These cashmere pants were marked “sleepwear”. Are there really women who sleep in cashmere? I sleep in cotton exercise pants that are too napped to wear in public anymore.

I feel guilty wearing cashmere around the house. It seems decadent. But they were marked “sleepwear” and I wonder if I wear them out (you know, feeling all elegant-like) people with think I’m an idiot for wearing my pj’s to dinner?

I wear them for yoga now. Kind of like dressing up for church. Not for the Holy Spirit, mind you – but for Buddhist idea that we should enjoy the pleasures of the present moment so long as we do so without clinging. And I have no illusion that these cashmere pants will survive the wash more than a few times.

At any rate. Here I sit in bed. Leonard curled beside me, dreaming of chasing hares – small, inaudible barks puffing his cheeks. I’ll have to wake him to send him to his own bed before I turn in for the night.

E. is offshore for a few more days. He may as well be on the moon. And only half the moon is visible tonight.

It’s been raining all week and the lake has flooded its usual banks. The bench roses weirdly from the water, and I stopped to take a photograph. For a moment I thought I’d stop and sit there for a while, watching the moon. But then a man came walking with his two schnauzers, and I was worried he’d think me insane.

And I was wearing my new shoes.

So… there’s that, at least: new, serious-ugly running shoes.

I’m that kind of woman.

5 Comments

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  1. oh I needed something soft today, especially tonight.

    good medicine. I read your words a second then third time around, maybe more. mind, not for clarity but for the simple near-physical sensation of your experience flowing over and through me tonight.

    oh Ren, yes, I’m glad you are that kind of woman.

    years past this rather happy rebel of a sort gave me the best compliment ever saying, “if there were more men like you, there’d be more women like me.” please apply as appropriate to yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I bought cashmere when we had good cash flow. I felt slightly guilty about indulging myself. I mean–am I worth it?

    The good cash flow is past, but the cashmere items (though somewhat pilled) are still in my closet, and I still wear them when the autumn/winter weather arrives. Yes, I recognize there’s “status” associated with things made of cashmere or silk, with good reason, since they cost a lot. What I realize now is that the fashionable pieces of clothing can be dispensed with and the cozy and long-wearing things are a better bargain in the long run.

    But that’s the capitalist problem, you know. When you cannot afford good items to begin with, you find yourself buying what’s cheap and short-lived. And you spend more in the long run, enriching the retailers.

    Hand wash the cashmere, and it will last a long time. Stay cozy. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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