Getting on with it – Not back to it.

Well. Butt is in the chair. Pulling myself up by my yoga strap. I will get through this.

I have had two very difficult years – at work and personally. And it is very hard to tease apart the causes and effects. It’s hard to stop looking for a single event that makes sense of it all, to identify the first domino or the kingpin that caused the wheels to fall off. But it is never that simple, is it?

I count 6 major crises in the past two years. At least they felt like major crises. Maybe in other circumstances, they would have been minor. If there is a pot on the stove simmering and you kick up the heat a degree, or two, or five – things boil over.

Everything comes together. And then everything falls apart. Even the bad stuff falls apart. It is a bit like unraveling an enormous and tight knot. There is careful observation and strategic teasing and unbraiding. And there is the random rolling and tugging that inexplicably allows a release. Suddenly. And because it is unexpected and uneared, it is almost anti-climatic. It can feel like all the effort is just busywork.

It can make you – me – question what is actually a meaningful effort.

And I am very tired of writing about the difficulties. I am feeling lighter. Not a throw-open the barn doors and pronk kind of lightness, but it is easier to breathe. It actually is a bit like stepping outside on a good day and looking at an unobstructed, blue sky.

There is still so much to deal with but I am hoping I can deal with the events on their own terms, not as an extension or twisting or consequence of something that defines me.

The sky here is not blue. It is gray and wet. But I am going for a run.

And I hope this is the last of this kind of private brooding in my daily practice.

Forgive me. Gotta run now.