The Geography of Sunshine

Beginning the fifth week before summer vacation. It has been a long time since I have counted down like this. This summer will be a roller coaster. My youngest is finally able to have the wedding that’s been delayed twice. I can’t wait to see his wife in her gown. It’s been three years since she sent me the selfie in the boutique and made me feel included. I have a speech to write and run by my son’s father – to be sure I am speaking for both of us. I should really get started on that. I am oblivious to these kinds of social conventions. And the fact we are divorced doesn’t make it any easier.

Then off to see B. I have no idea for how long or under what kind of circumstances, but I know I am going. I don’t think there are social conventions for saying goodbye to someone like this. How do I allow myself the grief while acknowledging her family’s greater loss? Her pain? What kind of gift does one bring? She can’t read anymore. I start to jump ahead and think of things I shouldn’t. I want to celebrate her birthday (now seven months late). I want to celebrate her. I am at a loss.

And then E. and I will go somewhere warm. Not warm: hot, really. I want unrelenting sunshine. I want to sweat just sitting on the beach, struggling to read a book despite the glare of the pages and the cheap sunglasses’ warped lenses. I miss the sun of the lower latitudes. Something in my body knows the geography of sunshine. My skin recognizes desert air.

And sometime before the school year’s wheel begins again, I will get to London to take my oldest to a little Bloomsberry pub for one very expensive drink each. We will dress up for it. We will make it an event.

I think I want to make everything an event from now on. Oh, god, I am going to have to get a wardrobe make-over.

Now, though, I am off for a run. The soft Norwegian sun is already up.

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  1. As for B, I bet you just showing up and being as tender as you are, will be just what she needs.
    You have a lot of experiences ahead. Each experience will have it’s own lifes ‘ring’.
    I bet you’re gonna be a wonderful, thoughtful mom-in-law.

  2. Sounds as if you have a full itinerary. Enjoy! You are obviously going to have a great family occasion when your son gets married. I look forward to reading your upcoming posts. 🙂

  3. Love that phrase – the geography of sunshine. There are no social conventions for love of any kind, nor for saying good-bye when you can’t really and don’t really want to – and you won’t really, not in your souls. That may sound trite to some, but I happen to believe it’s true. Let me know when you’re in London and if you have time. It’s been too many years.

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