Rarely is my day so turned on its head. I should be in bed now, not typing. And technically, I shouldn’t be having a glass of wine. But here I am. And the day has been… tolerable-to-good. And lately, that means very good.
I didn’t write this weekend because I was working on the manuscript. Finishing, proofreading, formatting. It is incredibly satisfying. I still have moments of insecurity – of full-on panic – and then moments of resting in a kind of contentment.
“I made this.”
How do we hold on to that feeling and resist showing the work to someone for that (for me anyway) inevitable disappointment when someone says, “it’s good”. Like it’s a fallen souffle. Or at least it leaves me feeling very much like a fallen souffle. I always ask myself: What do you expect? Fireworks? I don’t know.
You would think at my age, I could just relish the helium-my-chest feeling and not need verification.
Memories flood back to me. My family of origin expected very little of me. Didn’t hide their surprise when I did something well. When the school asked to put me in the gifted class, my mother said I was too lazy.
Okay. So now I have slipped from personal to private in this diary. And from relatable to – well, not. That is why I should write in the morning with a cup of coffee on the desk, not a glass of whine.
Confidence is a slippery fish, isn’t it? Good to have. But if you carry it around too long, you stink.
Promising, they said.
I have caught up with myself –
middle of the road –
where I can walk fearlessly
into an unknown future
(Not much this Monday, but it is a commitment met.)
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Love you. Love your late-night honesty. Love it when you write that you have turned things on their head. Love your courage. I hope you slept well.
Thank you, Di. Sleep sucks at the moment – but things are improving! Miss you!