It was difficult to get up this morning. Which is good because it means I did sleep. Was sleeping when the alarm went off. Even Leonard moved slowly and begrudgingly up the stairs this morning to start the day.
Yesterday there were moments when I felt a kind of excitement around my solar plexus. Like I had good news or a pending something, like a publication or a vacation… I don’t know. I mentally paused to try to remember what the reason for the buzz was but could think of nothing to justify it.
It wouldn’t be odd if it had been just once yesterday, but it happened several times and I am not sure what to do with it. How to think about it.
Is this a feeling other people have? Unjustified anticipation for the next thing – whatever is coming? Do they wrack their brains to try to remember what good is on the way? Like a care package coming in the mail?
I also think it is extremely odd that I can’t let this go and think there is something I need “to do with it”? Identify it, sort it. Almost as though there is something threatening about this good feeling if I’m not able to know where it came from. A sheep in wolves’ clothing.
If it is hormones – my body – trying to balance the day’s lights and darks, is the feeling then not real?
I have a frightening thought: What if this is other people’s baseline happiness? Their breakfast cereal & toast morning background noise?
Some morning the words come. This morning they kind of float in, disconnected from one another, on the surface of a strong current. And it isn’t the words that demand my attention, it’s the current itself. The pull – familiar but unpredictable. Something is coming. Something is calling. But I have no freaking idea what good it is.
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Given that experience is only in the moment. Only. Then might this simpleton suggest when that feeling comes for you – then smile. If more wants itself known, it’ll take care of that for itself.
Oh. And maybe the smile is a door. Me, I’m counting on that.
I love this perspective! It is frightening to give into happiness, though. For so many reasons. The contrast makes the pain more intense. And the little threat of mania lurks in the “highs”.
I am finding this shared experience very weird. I had the same feeling yesterday. I was standing outside staring at something and all of a sudden I had this upsurge of what I can’t call anything other than happiness, that good things were going to happen. It only lasted about 5 seconds, but it was there. And, like you, I don’t know what the hell it is, or what the hell it means.