Tuesday mornings I have a late start at work, and when the alarm goes off at the usual time, and when E. isn’t here with his own obligations, I find myself negotiating with myself. My morning routine takes 2 and a half hours, and I start counting backwards to see if I can lie in bed another half hour.
The thing is, all this math wakes me up anyway but now I am in the wrong groove. It takes me a half hour to tie the bows on my running shoes. And because E. is offshore, I start my run from home and head to the lake: the first kilometer on the sidewalk, dogging sulky teenager, and mothers with their six-year-olds walking to school three-abreast, forcing me into the street.
It isn’t until I hit the trail that my breathing eases. It takes me even longer before I hear the birds. Even longer before I fall into a gentleness of spirit.
This morning I’ve been meditation on being less judgmental. “Haaaa”, I chant. And I imagine a storm in a teacup settling into a clear reflection of the real problem: my own thoughts in a teacup.
Everyone is talking about the documentary about the man and the octopus. But I spent the first hour focusing on how he managed to do all the filming himself, on the miracle of his having found this one octopus who lived an entire, heroically dramatic life cycle under his gaze. I started to wonder if anyone would know better had he pieced together footage of twenty octopuses to make a story. I wondered why the credits included two writers when the narrative film clips seem confessional.
I wondered why I am such a jerk.
Where is the middle way when it comes to questioning what we are told? Between unhelpful skepticism and unhelpful naivetè?
I suppose it is about the source from which the questions arise. Even knowing that I can sometimes be arbitrary for the sake of being arbitrary – looking for an opportunity to be oppositional – but that is still not the source of the impulse.
At this point in my life – self-analysis does little more than foster self-pity, self-loathing and shame… which sends me looking for a way to bolster my ego. Looking for the source of the need at this point seems like little more than justification and permissiveness. Fake spiritual work.
Maybe I need to come at it all from the other end. What – in the present tense – do I need to let go of?
Maybe all that matters is stopping to ask the question,
Is this helpful?
Or am I just throwing chum in the water to avoid my own discontent?
The blackbirds are singing in the driveway.
That should be enough for the next few minutes.
The sun is rising.
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the word grumpy comes to mind. might even be endearing so long as fingers don’t get burnt. but big better better than my recent depression of mood.
better out than in?
worked on a “skid-row” project years ago. partner and me initially agonized over how to deal with a hand out, asking for change. what was the truth, what the right thing to do? our agony, not theirs. then we got over ourselves, just looked at the face, and yes or no. the earth didn’t shake!
our sin, if any, was generosity. and some mysteries don’t require resolution. act. move on. that’s what I meant, stumble is desirable.
is this helpful? is useful question. yes. lights are on in the window across the street and I’m glad.
I watched that documentary. I appreciate your questions 🙂